I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
