Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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