I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
