I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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