Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
