She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
