Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We don't watch enough power rangers
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
