i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
