omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
