I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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