Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
