I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i would punch a child for taco bell
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
