Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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