People in love make me want to vomit
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
