I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
