I'm eating all of the evidence.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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