it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
