after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
