She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
