Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
