I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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