Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
