It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
