I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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