I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
