he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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