my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
