Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
