Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
