she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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