We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
