I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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