I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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