My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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