I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
