Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
