Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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