I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You need Xanax blowdarts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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