brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
