You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
