Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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