He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
