I bet he comes in French.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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