I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
