My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
