Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
