he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
