Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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