so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
