When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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