I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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