just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I believe in your delicious
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
